They Say That We Are Sociable Creatures

It has been some time since I last visited this blog. It is over six months since I last posted and I think it is fair to say that for that amount of time to pass by I must have mentally pushed this to one side and probably tried to forget about it. Successfully it would seem. It is now time, I feel, to review why I felt the urge to stop and to see whether there is any value in picking this whole process up again.

So, what was my state of mind back in July of last year, when I last shared my thoughts on here? It was mixed, that's for sure. We had suffered a rocky patch, fully detailed in my post in early July, and I felt my wife had slipped into a negative way of living and thinking and I was finding the challenge of remaining positive, well, a challenge. We then moved rapidly to the idyllic state of a summer holiday hidden away in the Cornish countryside, which took us to another, more positive, level. And then, radio silence.

Thinking back, I suspect that I may have been finding it difficult to write anything new. Perhaps I realised that what I was actually describing was really just the ups and downs of a normal relationship. Because that's the way it looks to me now, reading my words back from last year. Certainly in the last few posts I see little of my original intention to find fun and happiness in the face of a life-threatening illness. Maybe it was all becoming just a little tired and boring.

So I stopped.

And since then?

Well, we have had more ups and downs. Like anyone else.

There have been health issues. Things are not generally bad, although we still live in a world where every little pain or illness becomes a nagging doubt, which is never going to be enjoyable but is completely understandable. Thankfully, there have been no major fears and all check-ups have been positive. The emotional side of things is where it remains difficult. Fears are often hidden and I am left to guess why a certain mood has changed or why smiles have been rare for a few days. I totally get it when she explains why, that she has been feeling an ache or pain and is worried about what it means, but often this only comes out when I have pushed too hard or have reminded her that I am not seeing much happiness around. I am still not very good at raising my concerns and it often has emotional consequences.

It is now almost three years since the chemotherapy ended. That's a great milestone and one to be proud of. There were significant fears at the time that we may not even get three months together after the treatment was completed, such was the seriousness of the situation. Any positivity however is often tinged by the fear that with each passing month it is surely just a matter of time before there is a recurrence. A negative emotion that needs to be dealt with but one that can be very difficult to ignore.

But these points aside, and in many ways this is the reason why I started this in the first place, there has been a lot of happiness as well. Thinking back, I can remember many times since last summer where we have laughed, had fun and just got out there and enjoyed life. That's got to be a good thing. I guess if anyone's over-riding view of their previous six months of living is one of enjoyment and happiness then they must be doing a lot of things right.

We have had plenty of days out, a couple of short holidays in the UK, and plenty of social events to keep us going. And thinking about it, maybe that short summary says a lot about why I have this positive feeling of happiness at the moment. Just going out and visiting places does a lot for the soul. We have just had a weekend away in Kent and came back earlier this week. Not glamorous at all. In fact, we stayed in a cheap bed and breakfast. We walked a lot. We visited places. We stopped at pubs. A lot of pubs. And we chatted with the owners of the B&B and had a really good laugh with them. We even went to the pub with them.

Our social life seems to have gone through the roof. We have really embraced our local social club (not particularly cool I know but who cares) and we have developed friendships with a whole bunch of people from the local area. Believe me, this is a good thing. Just taking some time to think about it as I type, I can remember literally dozens of nights out, visits to sporting events, restaurants and pubs (yes, I know there is a theme here) that have happened over recent months. And virtually all have been a bloody good laugh. In fact, my wife now goes out so regularly with her new friends that I have never had as much time at home on my own. Another good thing.

They say that we are sociable creatures. I don't feel in any position to disagree with that right now. Of course, there are different levels of socialising, but I suspect we have moved up a notch or two from where we previously were. Aside from the increased drinking which does have a downside, I may write more about this another time, I can see such a difference it is remarkable.

So maybe things really have changed.

Maybe it doesn't feel quite so boring and mundane sharing this as it felt last summer. Maybe this elusive happiness thing that I spent time seeking out over recent years has just got a little closer and I am seeing the difference that some of our lifestyle decisions have made. Wouldn't that be a thing if it were true?

And maybe me writing this down today and thinking it over has made me understand and appreciate some of the positives that we seem to be blessed with at the moment.

That's quite a lot of maybes to end a post with. Maybe that's also a good thing.

But more importantly, maybe it will encourage me to come back and write again.

We shall see.

I'm Here All Week

I have been doing some reading lately. Nothing too deep but all part of my ongoing research into finding out whether others in a similar situation feel the same way. Affirmation or something along those lines. It is possible that I may be turning into my wife and doing exactly what I tell her not to do when she loses perspective and spends too much time on line. I remain hopeful however that my actions are completely natural for the circumstances.

Whatever the justification, I am once again able to confirm that there is worrying little information available on this subject. I have however found one article that I was able to identify with. It is short and simple but briefly mentions the writers feeling of invisibility as a partner of a cancer sufferer. I have included a link below for reference. I should add that whilst I would not compare the seriousness of my situation to the one described, I do understand and connect with some of the sentiment shared.

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/facts-and-arguments/caring-for-my-sick-husband-i-am-going-through-untold-suffering/article19163110/

The good news at the moment is that whilst our holiday has ended and we are home and back at work, the positivity remains in place. My wife is more relaxed, happier in general and is laughing at my jokes again. Whilst a career as a stand-up remains unlikely, it is good to see that my very limited audience has returned!

http://loddonmillarts.co.uk

She Called This Idyllic

Today was a good day.

The sun shone. The sky was blue. The birds sang and we met a lovely little cat that made friends with us and didn't want to leave us alone.

The difference a few days can make.

The difference a holiday can make.

We seem to have moved so quickly to this situation that I can barely remember last week. I suspect that I am blocking a lot of things out but without doubt this is a good place to be.

We are staying in a little cottage somewhere in deepest Cornwall. The last couple of days have been glorious and between visits to beautiful little villages and never-ending sandy beaches our world has been calm and happy. It took a little while to find the level we are now at, but that's probably understandable. The most important fact is that we reached it.

I think the timing of this break has been perfect. We needed some time away from the pressures of everyday life. We have talked about health, of course, but there have been plenty of other things to chat about also. I have been careful about what I have said and have not made any comments about negativity. This has also helped.

But I think the main thing is being away from home and all the things that seem to be associated with it. It's a complete mind-change and for both of us this has been important.

My wife said tonight that she didn't want to go home. She called this idyllic. As I write this the sun has just gone down and we can hear the sounds of farm animals in the distance. We have listened to the radio most evenings and have not even turned on the television or caught up with family and friends. Right now this is about as far away from home and illness as we can get and for that I am very grateful.

I Wish I Could Have Handled It Differently

I have not written or posted here for a while. There is, of course, a reason for that.

There are times in life when you can do no right, no matter how hard you try. Sadly, the last few weeks have given me reason to think exactly that on a few occasions. There have been some good moments but things have also been difficult at times. I therefore want to try to get this down in writing as fairly as I can in order to help understand the situation and how best to deal with it.

I had better start by explaining that there have been more health issues over recent weeks. Thankfully not cancer, but other things that are proving to be debilitating. These are causing stress and concern as you would imagine and have involved a number of trips to doctors and hospitals. Unfortunately this has also caused the general mood in our lives to become more depressed and this is almost certainly the cause of our difficulties.

Despite some of my previous posts here, I fear that my wife is starting to become more defined by her poor health. The positivity that she has shown at times is becoming less and less frequent. In my opinion, and of course that is completely subjective, her default position is more often one of general unhappiness and disappointment with a lot of things around her. The main topic of conversation is mostly health related and she has become obsessed, again, with reading all she can on line about her latest illness.

I am conscious that this does not sound good and I want to be accurate in everything that I write. There are times when she appears fine. That's good. But it feels as if there are more times now when she does not seem to be fine. At times like this she can slip into a negative way of thinking about many things and I strongly suspect that this has become a habit and she is not even aware that it happens. Even though we have discussed it frequently, it continues. I suspect that I have also developed a habit in response. I hear the negativity and my automatic response is to find something positive to share and to highlight the negative comments I believe that I am hearing. This is rarely successful.

It is important for me to be clear at this stage. I do not have a great history of positive thinking myself. There have been many times when I have been told about this and it is rarely easy for me to accept. However, one of my methods of coping with the ongoing health issues of my wife has been to try to develop an air of positivity as much as possible and to consider a stoic view of life and the world around me. Whilst they are not exactly the same thing, I have found that it helps me to cope with the challenges that we have experienced over recent years. If someone is down or a situation does not go well then I try to find good things wherever I can.

Last week everything exploded. I have to take some of the blame for this. I wanted to raise my concerns, point out the negativity and to try to put a smile on her face. Of course, the stoic view of this is that I am unable to control anyone else's feelings and should simply look after my own. By interfering and pointing out what I was seeing I have offended and upset her. This was never my intention but it happened. When raised, the points were denied and were deflected back at me as is usual in situations like this. And it was done so with a lot of anger and emotion.

Yes, it is easy to upset someone when you are trying to highlight behaviours that you think they need to be aware of. It is also easy to upset someone when they are angry and unhappy with the world. In fact, as I have already written here, anything that I say or do at times will cause upset and anger. I accept that is the lot of living with someone who is ill and often vulnerable and scared. It doesn't make it easy though.

I wish I had handled it differently. I have pointed out the perceived negativity often but it rarely seems to be taken on board. I am now unsure of the best way to discuss my concerns and fears without causing offence. Maybe the best thing to do is nothing. But somehow that feels like a complete cop-out and also something that could fuel the fire when the anger next returns.

I suspect that a deterioration into a negative and unhappy way of looking at life is easy for people with long term illness. I also know that moaning about everything in life is what many perfectly healthy people do anyway. But it still feels like an issue that I need to find a way to help with.

The biggest challenge for me is how to let her know in a way that does not offend. It would appear that this is not something that I am very good at it.

There is no doubt that the situation has calmed a lot since last week. I would like to think that she is able to see and feel that this is not all about me being unfair and misunderstanding her. I am also aware that I am not the perfect partner and that my personality and choice of approach has often not helped. But it has put a strain on both of us and that is not good.

I think the last few weeks have been a little more about damage limitation rather than the search for happiness. It feels sad to type those words. As in all relationships, it is likely that both could do better in order to find a way to move forward. Hopefully we can.

Whistling As Loudly As You Can

This post will probably sound a little selfish.

I know almost before I have written anything that this has the potential to appear somewhat self-indulgent and inward looking. I suspect that many people who read this will consider passing judgement in some way. But maybe that is the point that I want to share.

Through this blog I am trying to record my thoughts and experiences around how to enjoy life when someone close to you is experiencing major, life-threatening health issues. Whether a year, month or week ago, it doesn’t go away and I suspect that anyone that has experienced cancer will say that it has been with them ever since. That is certainly the situation in my house. So almost by default, the focus is always on the patient, the survivor or the person doing their best to find a way around all of these obstacles.

It is almost impossible to challenge this view of the world.

However, I am going to give it a go.

The stress of living with someone that is ill, or has been ill, or may be ill again, is often overwhelming. It is rarely anyone’s fault. But is takes over everything and is always there in the room, no matter what you are doing or thinking.

Of course, it must be far worse to be the one suffering. But to deny the impact of what it does to family and friends is like placing your head very firmly in the sand and whistling as loudly as you can.

And it stands to reason that if you are looking to improve your quality of life and bring as much fun and laughter as you can into every day, then this needs to be taken into account. You are likely to fail with the latter if you are suffering from the former.

I think at this stage it is timely to point out that those living with cancer do not have a monopoly on ill health. Other people get ill as well.

Especially if you live in a stressful environment.

And have to hold down a full time job.

And often have to counsel and coach and just be there for people who are scared about their future.

Like partners of cancer patients.

It will probably come as no surprise to learn that I have not been well lately after an introduction like that. In fact, I have been warned by my doctors that I need to be sensible about how I live my life in future. If I want to have a long-term future, that is.

Not all of it is down to the environment I find myself living in, but some of it is.

And that is quite a crucial point.

When you get caught up in the habit of continually talking and thinking and worrying about someone else’s health, it’s easy to forget your own. I am no saint and I can assure you I think about other stuff regularly. But most people in similar circumstances probably do what I do far more often that they should.

If I don’t feel well, I compare it to the person alongside me and what they must be feeling. And I very quickly realise that it is insignificant by comparison and do nothing about it.

Or when my doctor says I need to take care of this or that, I compare it again and realise that, in the overall scheme of things, it just doesn’t really matter.

In fact, we all probably stop mentioning aches and pains and any fears we may have about our own health because you know that it’s unlikely to be anything as serious as cancer. You also know that you can be trumped and deeply embarrassed should any cancer patient decide to compare symptoms. A cruel thing to think (sorry) but I have witnessed such behaviour before (not at home) and for obvious reasons, the cancer sufferer always comes out on top.

Not that it's a competition of course.

But people around them keep quiet about their own health.

And here is something else that I have experienced.

Cancer patients operate at a higher level of anxiety that most of us. No great surprise of course. But should I go to see my doctor and explain where I am going then anxiety levels increase dramatically at home. She is disproportionately worried that something may be wrong. So there is an even bigger reason to either ignore or hide what may be going on so that I do not bring any more undue stress into her life.

So again, I keep quiet about my own health.

It’s a very logical and understandable situation and one that the cancer patient is unlikely to be able to change. They have enough on their collective plates for me to honestly think that they should be amending their behaviour to be kinder to others.

The key to this in my opinion rests firmly with me and every other partner or family member in a similar situation. Be understanding and supportive and as kind as you can to your loved one, but be the same to yourself as well. It’s crucial to ensuring that you don’t ignore your own health and vital if you want to keep a level of happiness going as well.

Thankfully I am not seriously ill. Everything can change of course, but hopefully this is just one of those things that happens as you get older. But I can totally understand why someone in a similar position to me might think about hiding their symptoms or diagnosis for the sake of someone else. My wife thinks that is what I am doing at the moment and sadly I can’t convince her otherwise.

That probably says as much about her as it does about me. But however you look at it, its not healthy.

http://briansphirstblog.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/sticking-with-it.html

Mr. and Mrs.

I was reading some of my previous posts this morning. If I had one observation to make it would probably be that there did not seem to be too much happiness mentioned over the last few weeks. Sometimes that can happen. I therefore think that it's time to note that sometimes we do actually manage to achieve our aim and smile a little.

We had a wedding last weekend. Not just any wedding though. It was our daughters wedding.

I think if you are looking for happiness and fun with a healthy dose of stress thrown in then a family wedding would be somewhere near the top of the list.

It went really well. It was fantastic fun. Everyone behaved, there was laughter and happiness and a good few tears of emotion. The venue was beautiful and to cap it all the sun came out and the sky stayed blue all day.

We had one or two minor meltdowns in the morning and a major crisis with two complete changes of outfit in the last five minuets before leaving. But this was to be expected. I am sure that the majority of female guests had their own version of this!

Other than this my wife was in her element. Happy and surrounded by family and lovely friends.

Of course, this is not really something that can be added to a planned programme of happiness. But if it comes along like it did for us then you have to grab it with both hands and go for it. The fact that we had a weekend that was completely free from any negative thoughts about health or the future was wonderful and very welcome.

But.....

I find it fascinating how sometimes our minds deliberately overlook the obvious and positive in order to hold onto the negatives of fear and the unknown. It does us no good, it makes no sense but I think that most of us do this more often than we care to admit.

It has not been an easy few weeks. Regular check-ups on Cancer No.1 and Cancer No.2 (I need to find better names) were completed. The first was a three month check on C2 and was fine. All good news. The lead up to the visit was not without its stressful and anxious moments but this is put into perspective a little when you get positive results. The second was a six month check on C1 and was far more involved. The week or two before the scan and the subsequent week waiting for the results were also challenging, but again, this was understandable.

And the news was also good.

However this is where I include a......but.....into the narrative.

But.....at the second check a number of other things were noticed. Not necessarily serious. Not necessarily anything to worry about. Probably completely unconnected to C1. The consultant arranged for urgent biopsies as you would hope and they were completed within minutes. A little awkward and unpleasant but it was exactly what anyone would have wanted in terms of response and care.

So what was the general mood after weeks of worry and two very positive results?

Lets just say that the good news sadly seems to have been completely overwhelmed by the fear of what the additional tests may say.

Whilst it is completely irrational it's also no great surprise. It seems to take a disproportionate and often impossible amount of effort to concentrate on the present and feel positive about what is known when all our minds really want to do is to search for and find the next thing to worry about.

I may have mentioned mindfulness and meditation before. I think they deserve closer consideration in order to find a way of finding the happiness in what should be a happy time after two very positive results.